I know I know, Halloween was last month, but in light of yesterday’s blog, I didn’t think it would be fair not to recount some of the hilarious and sometimes terrifying situations Brad and I found ourselves in when looking at houses. I wish I had my video camera during some of these visits, it would have been pure internet gold.
One thing I should mention before I get into any of these stories is that Brad, being the professional real estate agent that he is always drove to the properties that we looked at. Brad never seemed to have a flash light on him when we most needed it (and the one time we did have one, I wish that we didn’t). I find this little fact to be the cherry on top of a most delicious cup cake of terror.
So Lets Begin!
5. The Electrocutioner’s Song (Collingswood, NJ)
This little property looked completely normal on the outside. It had a nice white picket fence, well groomed yard, in a very nice little neighborhood. Once you walked into the side door however, things took a drastic turn, the house was painted in Prince Purple, the kitchen was missing a refrigerator (which we later found in the dining room), and the killer part about this property was as we started to walk down the basement, I noticed some electrical wiring that had fallen to the floor. As I got a bit further down the stairs, I noticed that almost 90% of the basement was flooded with water from the wash and drier…yup, Brad and I almost got flash fried.
4. Colonial Nightmare (Main St., Medford, NJ)
This is a house we almost bought. It was selling for a good price, it was in a really cool neighborhood (close to trendy little shops), oh, and it happened to have a haunted basement. The first time we went in there it was night and Brad was of course missing a flashlight, so we missed some of the details (like the back room). The house was over 100 years old and the basement showed it. It had been dug out to make it a little bit easier to navigate (but you still had to crouch). Besides the fact that the foundation was literally falling apart around us, there was a dug out room that Brad and I were convinced we would find a body in the walls. The room had been use for coal back in the old days, but I got a very creepy feeling down there. The neighbors also looked like they were bit players in Amityville Horror (with axes).
3. Santa’s Exile (Off of Broadway, Pitman, NJ)
We actually saw this house right before the one we bought. Brad and I did a day trip (thankfully) to a few properties in Pitman, NJ. The minute we pulled up I knew something was wrong. The house was way too big for the price. From the second we walked in there was an air of “someone got sliced into bacon in here”. The walls were stripped down to studs in some spots (to remove the stained blood perhaps), and there was a LOCKED room right off the dining room that Brad and I managed to get into, but wished we didn’t (it looked like a secret molestation room). The house also featured a detached garage full of old rusty instruments of death (like sickles and other bladed items of destruction). The topper in this house was in the walk up attic which happened to have a life sized fucking Santa Claus sitting in a chair as soon as you walked up scaring the shit out of us as we immediately turned and ran away like little girls.
2. The Old Swedes’ Death March (Swedesboro, NJ)
I never thought I was going to die more in a house than this place. This house was an antique home that was in the process of being remodeled (I use the house and remodeled lightly). The home originally was a horse stall and pub for the hotel that was across the street. It was a large property that was eventually converted into a home. A man inherited this and was attempting to modernize it. I know all of this because the scary son of a bitch was waiting at the house for us.
We knocked on the door and we hear dogs barking, good sign, but it ended as soon as the door was opened. The house was completely gutted, there were no walls, doors, kitchen, anything. We saw the house in the winter and the man and his buddy were sitting in the main room that had a fireplace, plastic was on the walls for insulation, and they were sitting on boxes. As this dude showed us around the house me and Brad kept looking for exits. There was one point where the guy asked us if we wanted to see the basement, we immediately said “NO!”. The show stopper (besides everything) was a room that was used to butcher meat at one point that still retained its smell (even in the cold). As Brad and I ran from the home, the guy actually followed us out to the car to continue talk and terrorizing. I won’t soon forget that house and that crazy bastard, and Brad will never forgive me for dragging him out there.
1. Duplex of Terror (White Horse Pike, Berlin NJ)
Things started off on a bad note as soon as we pulled into this place, there was a creepy guy sitting in one part of the duplex and we were told we could not see that part of the property. Looking through his window, the room completely dark except for the blue light of the television and the shadows dancing in the room. The man in his wife beater and his six pack evoked cliché after cliché and thoughts of eviction notices popped into my mind. 
Getting past him, we made it to the front door of the unoccupied property. The house was a disaster area: The carpets were probably 1960’s originals, the walls were damaged, the kitchen had carpeting in there and no stove, the house smelled… you get the idea. There was a spot to get down the basement and even with a mag light, the basement just absorbed the light, so we opted against further exploration. As we got back upstairs and I had just uttered the phrase “I feel like I might die in this place” I swung the flashlight towards the window to see a face staring back at me. An angry face no less. Apparently it was the other neighbor and Brad had parked in his driveway. The man wasn’t happy and looked like he was in Deliverance so needless to say we got the fuck out of there.
Later, Brad told one of his buddies about the place and this guy wanted to see it. They couldn’t even get in because the guy who lived in the duplex was playing watch dog and was tracking all realtors who got near the property and he even follow Brad out to his car and into the street when the two fled.
Closing Thoughts
As I said, I wish I had a video camera to film these places so you know exactly what I am talking about. Through the years, Brad has been a hilarious realtor that has accompanied me on many adventures. I am sad to see those adventures come to and end, but at least we have the memories.
I still hate you too Brad 🙂
